It’s the first time ever I’m openly writing about this shit. I don’t know if it’s because I need some feedback, I mean, I’m not the kind of person that likes to shout out these things. I think it’s because I’m tired. I’m tired of not being able to explain every single person that I sometimes don’t get to sleep well at night because I can’t stop thinking about what happened. Of not being able to be 100% focused on what I should be focused on. Of constantly thinking that people make fun of me. Of knowing they are not. Of knowing that I had once gotten over all this mess and started living freely, but suddenly I fell off again. Of that fucking PTSD that nobody but my family knows I’m suffering from. And not even them all know that. And not even them all know for how long I’ve really been living with that. Because, as far as I know, it’s been with me forever. That feeling of not being good enough. That feeling of constantly being a disaster. That feeling you have when you think you’re getting there - but you never arrive. That will of getting over all your past and finally be normal. That will of understanding whatever happened. All that stuff. I really want to break the strings and, you know, fuck it all. Not talking about suicide. I’m talking about sth like YOLO, but with a little bit more of a brain inside. I’m talking about not being sad every day. About feeling you’re worth it. About feeling that people misses you and loves you, not because they think there’s totally something bad going on with you, because they really DO.
I’d really love to read what people think and feel about me. The good and the bad. I’m not looking for people to tell me how fantastic I may or may not be. I just wanna know how I look from the outside, just to check if all the crap I’ve inside shows off on the outside.
I’d really love to tell all that people that talks behind my back and wonders shit about me what it feels like to be laughed at in school because of the attitude you had, which was caused by the life you were forced to live at home. What it feels like to wake up every day under all the shouting. What it feels like to know you have no problems but still, you’re involved in some big trouble that no one will ever considered as one, because, you know? you didn’t get bruises. What it feels like to be pulled away from somebody you loved so much, and being constantly hit by others with the thought that that person would cheat on you someday. What it feels like to suffer a divorce and your loved ones suffer. What it feels like to be bleeding inside and having to put a smile on your face to keep others from suffering more. What it feels like to feel like you’re crazy everyday. What it feels like to live with a person that just looks for herself and is pathologically crazy. What it feels like to date someone whose only priority in life is you (Why am I complaining about that? Obsessive is the word. Like, calm the fuck down dear, I love you, don’t need to check on me every 5 min). What it feels like to remember every situation usually. What it feels like to remembering your only motivation in life was to put a smile on everybody’s lips because it was the most beautiful thing a human being could do to an other and being afraid as hell of people laughing around me now.
I’m Matilda on the inside. But Matilda wants me to grow up, and I can’t. Matilda wants me to be loved and have fun, but I can’t. Matida wants me to keep calm and enjoy, because Matilda knows that she’s no extraordinary person and lots of people have lived what she’s lived and have got over it.
And here it comes again.
Sneak peak of Baby Amy’s performance at Belle Ãpoque’s Carrousel party. 21st September 2013.
Baby Amy (Lisbon, PT. Málaga, SP.)